A Guide to Successful Wedding Crashing

It's June, and that means it's "that time" of the year again, when unsuspecting virgins walk up the aisle and all the family gluttons gather to eat and drink to their happiness (or sadness). How can you, the otherwise ordinary nameless brick-in-the-wall, add some spice to your life and theirs? You show up at the wedding, uninvited.

This easy-to-comprehend, step-by-step, detailed, and tried-and-tested guide to Wedding Crashing will have you ahead of the game in no time.

WEDDING CRASHING 101

(Loosely based on last Saturday night's adventure)

WHAT YOU NEED:

1. A Suitable Outfit

Imagine, that could be you in the background!

If you identify as masculine, choosing an outfit should be easy. Pants, shirt, coat, tie and polished shoes. Cuff-links and tie-clasps are optional.

For the feminine, a formal dress and shoes, along with make up might do the trick. But on this island, a flashy saree is unfortunately the socially-accepted wedding attire. It may differ in other parts of the world- kimonos,  caftans, deer skin- whatever society deems is right, is right.

Choosing the wrong outfit could be fatal, specially if the bride's father is the shotgun-carrying alcoholic type of dad. The concept to understand here is 'camouflage'. Your objective here is to fit and blend into the crowd like a chameleon in a bush. (Wikipedia says "The primary purpose of color change in chameleons is social signalling, with camouflage secondary... males show lighter, multicolored patterns when courting females". If that tickles your fancy, go ahead adorn yourself in some wild color and see how the opposite sex reacts to your advances, but don't tell me I did not warn you.)

2. Mode of Transport

Now that you are all fancied up, you need to figure out how you will get to the venue. If you are oblivious to stares and finger pointing and groping (or may be you even get a kick from that sort of deviant behavior), then public transport should serve you just fine. If not, you might want to drive, hitch a tuk-tuk, or, if you can afford it, call a cab.

3. A gift (optional)

The decent thing to do is to take a special gift for the couple on the most expensive day of their lives. All you need is a little creativity, and you could throw in a dead cockroach or a condom for extra LOLs. If that sounds like too much work, you could just take an empty envelope with the words Congratulations! scrawled in an elaborate cursive hand.

HOW TO WEDDING CRASH- KABOOOOOM!

1. Get your ass to the Feast

They look so happy together!

If you live in a crazy city like Colombo, finding a wedding should be a piece of cake. All you have to do is go to a fancy hotel or reception hall on a weekend and you will find a few weddings going on simultaneously, and in typical Asian-style each will have a few hundred guests. If you live in a multicultural, fruit-salad city like Colombo, try to find a wedding you can easily blend into, specially if you feel language, dress code and cuisine will be problematic. You do not want to be the rude girl who says no to shark fin soup or the prudish guy who refuses to take his boxers off at a skyclad handfasting ceremony.

If you live in a less populated area, like Ames, Iowa, you might have to take your planning to the next level, and device a strategy that involves finding out when and where weddings will be held. How do you do that? I'm sorry, but I can't help you with that. If you have any suggestions on how to bomb a wedding in a rural church on the outskirts of civilization, go ahead comment.

When crashing a wedding, timing is crucial. Get there too early and you will walk into a serious ceremony and attract unnecessary attention. Walk in too late, and you will walk into a drunken sausage fest, and, again, attract unnecessary attention.

The Gurus of Wedding Crashing tell me the perfect time to walk in is when the food has just been served. This is when everyone is walking around making small talk, and their brains are too flooded with thoughts of gobbling down as much food as humanly possible to notice your unfamiliar face.

Remember that wedding receptions are normally focused around lunch or dinner. Plan accordingly, allowing for changes in different cultures. For example, a religious ceremony held separately in a church or temple, or auspicious times observed, may change the timing of the reception.

2. Walk in.... like a Boss!

This is probably the hardest part of the whole mission- having the balls to walk in. Remember, before you perform this bold act of bravery, take note of the couple's names, and come up with a small story to explain your relationship to them in case someone asks. "I am one of John's friends," my friend, and partner-in-crime mumbled to an acquaintance he met inside the hall, and it worked! Walk in without hesitating for too long, and try not to giggle or blush. Remember to smile and acknowledge anyone who meets your eyes.

3. Blend In... like a Chameleon?

Now is the time to have fun. Chat up the groom's grand aunt or break a leg on the dance floor. The most epic moment of my experience of wedding crashing to-date was when we walked up to the newly-wed couple on a little make-shift stage thing, gave them pecks on the cheeks, wished them good luck and posed for pictures by the official photographer. The groom was either too drunk, too tired or too caught up with fantasies of tearing those fold of white satin off his lovely bride to notice that we did not belong there. But the bride eyed us suspiciously and gave us a knowing smile. If the marvels of social networking somehow work in our favor and I get my hands on that photo, I will upload. I promise!

HAVE FUN KIDS!!